Author's Note:  the following was written upon the occasion of Christmas during my second year in North Carolina for a woman named Mary S., a good friend, a wonderful and memorable individual, and a totally irreverent southern woman. 

It may be the dream of a lifetime or a sudden inspiration born from desperation.  You’ve had enough.  You may not be a spring chicken, but you’re not a tough old turkey hen. . . yet.  You’ve lived all or most of your life in the northern United States and you have had your fill of fighting the ice and snow.  Enough already with panicking because all the boots were sold out in August, getting just the right scraper for the car, shoveling the white suf, scraping it off the roof so it won’t cave in, shoveling the whit stuff, sliding your way to work, timing your shoveling of the drive so that the snow plows won’t plow all the street snow into your driveway before you can get your car out, knocking killer icicles off the eaves, and shoveling snow.  You’ve gotten to the point where you’re considering waiting for the snow plow with a shotgun, you own three freezers for emergency food storage in case you can’t get out, and you refuse to shovel the remaining snow off your lawn into the street to make it melt faster in the month of June.

Congratulations!  You’ve just made t he decision to take a hike south.  Just realize that inherent in that decision is to become an old southern woman instead of an old northern woman.

Now, some northern women assume that the South of the United States is pretty much like the North, except it’s warmer and the living is easy.  That is pretty much true.  You don’t see millions of southern folks flooding to the far reaches of the North.  However, there are some dynamics with which you should become familiar in preparation for the move of a lifetime.  Much of these are just a matter of communication, so listed below are some terms and principles of the South as I have come to know them

Home Cookin’
Forget pot roast, meatloaf, pasties, and lasagna.  Instead, restaurants advertising home cooking may include the following on the menu:

Liver mush: a mashed combination of liver of undetermined origin and corn meal.  Eaten for any meal or snack, I goes with eggs, grits (see below), as a main dish, or in a sandwich.  I’ve never had any.  I can’t get past the name.

Grits: apparently white sand that can be sprinkled dry on particularly your breakfast plate or cooked into a white paste.  Dry, it tastes like you’re breakfasting at the beach.  Cooked, it tastes like hot cream of rice cereal with not enough liquid added.  Great if you add butter, sugar, maple syrup, chocolate sauce, or other condiments.

Barbecue: up North, barbecue means beef, pork, or chicken that has been cooked until it is tender (but still retains its original shape) and then basted with a thick red sauce that has a tangy, tomato-based flavor.  The South takes exceptional pride in its barbecue, however, so you may find that barbecue is an entire pig that has been roasted all day.  In this case, take your fork and approach the carcass, ease off this skin, and dig out your favorite parts.  Sprinkle liberally with vinegar and hot sauce.  Or, you may find that barbecued chicken entails a bowl of chicken (yep, I think all parts are in there) that has been boiled to oblivion and to which a watery, red colored sauce has been added.  Grab a spoon and enjoy.  You may also find that there is much debate about whether the barbecue sauce itself is tomato-based, molasses-based, or mustard-based.  I haven’t tried all of these yet. 

Greens: this is a staple of the southern diet.  It is served as a vegetable.  It is definitely green.  It consists of collards (don’t ask me what they are, but they are green), turnip greens (I guess this is the part we throw away up North), spinach, etc.  I have suspected that sometimes people just go out to the back forty and mow their dinner greens.  I haven’t tried these yet, either.

Beans: Up North, the term “beans” refers to either baked navy beans or green beans.  Our southern friends enjoy a whole range of different types of beans, including lima, pinto, butter, red, chili, white, wax, and others.  Make sure you specify which type you are ordering, Oh, and there is some controversy about whether you serve pinto beans with corn bread or biscuits.  I personally am a neutral country when people get emotional over this.

Fried: this has the same meaning, North or South.  In defiance of the Surgeon General’s warning, however, the South fries everything and eats it with apparent great relish.  Consume at your own risk, however, it may be that cholesterol is not recognized in the southern vocabulary.

Fatback, hog jowls, salt pork, pig ears, pig snouts, pigs’ feet: yep, they eat them.  Have I tried them?  I don’t think so.

Chitlins: pig entrails.  No, I haven’t had these, either.

Pecans: there is no difference in what the North and the South recognize in this wonderful, buttery nut.  However, find out how they pronounce them before you order them.  For instance, up North I was used to pronouncing the name, “PEE-cans.”  That got a huge yuck-yuck in Texas where they informed me that a pee-can was something you put under your bed at night in case you had to go and didn’t want to trouble yourself to make the trip to the outhouse.  In the Carolinas, however, they are referred to as, “pehKAHNS.”  Be careful.

Chili: up North, there is little variety to be found in a bowl of chili.  It consists of ground beef, onions, tomatoes, chili powder, and kidney beans.  If you venture to Texas, however, it can contain ANYTHING, from rattlesnakes to lizards to possum.  Be very, very careful.


Bubba
Yes, Virginia, there is a Bubba.  There are thousands of them, in fact.  This is a common nickname meaning, “brother,” that may stick until Bubba has passed.  Bubba may also be the name on Bubba’s birth certificate.

The Bubba Factor
Closely related to Bubba (see above) is the Bubba Factor, which is a principle.  At the center of this principle is the notion that family comes first.  It doesn’t matter if the family member is currently serving time for murder, living in his or her outhouse, or looks and acts pretty much like the dudes in Deliverance.  If there is ever a choice of a family member (or someone else’s family member) or an outsider being hired, rented to, or otherwise favored, family will come first.

This principle was explained to me in the following manner, which makes the meaning crystal clear:
    Blood’s blood.
    Adopted is blood.
    Anybody else is just an acquaintance.
    Northern is invisible.


Property Ownership
Material possessions mean a lot in the South, particularly when it comes to land.  This principle is not to be taken lightly, so pay attention.

Don’t Shovel My Snow: I was told upon moving to the South that northerners have an irritating habit of appearing at their neighbors’ doors at the first sign of snow with a shovel, offering to shovel for them.  I was informed that if I did this I would be shot.

NOW HEAR THIS: I MOVED HUNDREDS OF MILES NOT TO SHOVEL SNOW ANYMORE.  I AM THE LEAST LIKELY TO SHOW UP AND OFFER TO SHOVEL YOUR SNOW.  IT’S YOUR PROBLEM.

And please don’t shoot me.

Call Before You Visit: I was also told that if I just knocked on a neighbor’s door without calling and warning them first, I would likely be shot.  Don’t worry, I’ll remember this one and call first.

 And please don’t shoot me.

Keep Your Ducks Off My Lawn: There’s a story out there that a man grew irritated with the fact that his neighbor’s ducks wandered into his yard, willy-nilly.  He took his shotgun and shot all the ducks, and tossed the entire dead flock back onto his neighbor’s lawn.  This is entirely permissible.

I don’t have any ducks, but don’t shoot me, either.


Fifty Degrees Fahrenheit
Up North, fifty degrees is a treat most of the time.  In fact, if this were to happen in January or February, people would appear in shorts and make a stab at swimming.  Down South, fifty degrees is COLD.  I was told to ignore it, that it would pass; and it did.


Vegetation Differences
When you are used to seeing a certain set of trees, bushes, plants, and grasses while walking outside, you must realize that the vegetation may change when you make your move.  The South favors all sorts of plants, trees and bushes that have thorns and other scratchy surfaces; these will hurt you.  Handle with care.

Oh, and learn from my mistake.  I was out for a stroll one autumn day when I noticed wild strawberries growing in a patch.  I thought, “How wonderful that they have multiple growing seasons down here!  Wild strawberries usually only come in the spring up North!”  And I ate a berry.  It looked and felt like a strawberry, but there was no taste.  I mentioned it to some southern friends and was informed that I ate a “snakeberry,” which was assumed to be poisonous.  I was told that munching my way through the forest was inappropriate in the South.  Be warned.


The Civil War
According to some, the Civil War is still a hot topic.  Some say that the South will rise again.  I’ve been told that the only reason the North won the Civil War is that they were sneaky.  If they weren’t so sneaky, the South would have won.  Well, they won; get over it.  I’m perfectly willing to get over it.


Southern Women
My basic idea of the women of the South came from the popular television program, Designing Women.  These women are elegant, tasteful, intelligent women who would draw their own blood before insulting another.  I’ve found my share of these women.  However, even these picture-perfect creatures can be extremely resourceful, independent, tough as nails, and in your face if they need to be.  It turns out that your life molds your character and your character molds your life, just like up North.


How Long Does It Take to Become an Old Southern Woman?
Sigh.  I don’t think you can ever become southern.  I think you have to be born that way.  The good news is that you will, God willing, become old.  And unless you decide you miss the luxuries of all that cold and snow and move back North, your body will still be in the South when you get old.  But let me get back to you on that one later.

Happy trails.